Day three after my miscarriage. Wait... it's only been three days?? Time just really doesn't mean much to me right now. I guess it's good I took a week off of work. At first I thought maybe that was excessive, but I need it. It's been tough taking the time away from work though. I was so used to working ten to twelve hour days. Coming home exhausted and having just enough time and energy to do some daily chores, take a shower, eat dinner and get into bed. Not that I think it's a good way to live or anything, BUT it kept my mind and body busy anyway. Now I have all the time in the world to heal physically, which is good, but that also gives my mind time to dwell in grief. Letting myself go through all the emotions that it needs to I'm sure is psychologically healing, but it sucks. Hopefully these intense mood swings abate a little before I go back to work in four days. Four days? Normally I would say that's super soon. Now, with the way time is passing, that seems like an ETERNITY.
Though I know being at work isn't what I need right now, I just really don't know what I DO need. I feel listless and dull. My body is mostly healed from the miscarriage, though I still have light bleeding and if I do too much physically I get some pains in my abdomen. I'm certainly not bedridden though. Finding ways to occupy myself in these past days has been a challenge. There's really no books I feel like reading, or movies I want to watch. I'd like to knit, but the only yarn I have is the baby yarn I recently bought. I attempted to try and knit something, ANYTHING, with the yarn. All it took was seeing a picture of a happy, smiling baby on the yarn label to start me sobbing, so I gave up on that for now. I've been going for slow, short walks to run errands. It's nice to get outside and enjoy the budding springtime in Portland. It feels good to move my body and breathe fresh air. When I leave my home however, I run the risk of seeing parents with babies and young children, or happily pregnant women with their proud partners. I can turn into a disgusting, sobbing mess in no time. While being at home doesn't seem to change the fact that I can turn into a disgusting, sobbing mess at any time, at least I'm in the privacy of my own home. This blog has really been the most cathartic endeavor I've tried. It's a nice release to put down in written words what my experience has been and the thoughts that have been emerging from minute to minute. Instead of looking at the clock and thinking, "How will I get through the next hour?", I marvel at how late it's gotten and I haven't even eaten lunch yet. Speaking of which, time for another bagel and cream cheese...
Though I know being at work isn't what I need right now, I just really don't know what I DO need. I feel listless and dull. My body is mostly healed from the miscarriage, though I still have light bleeding and if I do too much physically I get some pains in my abdomen. I'm certainly not bedridden though. Finding ways to occupy myself in these past days has been a challenge. There's really no books I feel like reading, or movies I want to watch. I'd like to knit, but the only yarn I have is the baby yarn I recently bought. I attempted to try and knit something, ANYTHING, with the yarn. All it took was seeing a picture of a happy, smiling baby on the yarn label to start me sobbing, so I gave up on that for now. I've been going for slow, short walks to run errands. It's nice to get outside and enjoy the budding springtime in Portland. It feels good to move my body and breathe fresh air. When I leave my home however, I run the risk of seeing parents with babies and young children, or happily pregnant women with their proud partners. I can turn into a disgusting, sobbing mess in no time. While being at home doesn't seem to change the fact that I can turn into a disgusting, sobbing mess at any time, at least I'm in the privacy of my own home. This blog has really been the most cathartic endeavor I've tried. It's a nice release to put down in written words what my experience has been and the thoughts that have been emerging from minute to minute. Instead of looking at the clock and thinking, "How will I get through the next hour?", I marvel at how late it's gotten and I haven't even eaten lunch yet. Speaking of which, time for another bagel and cream cheese...
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