As with many terms related to pregnancy, a "missed miscarriage" was not something I'd ever heard of. What exactly IS a missed miscarriage? It's when an embryo or fetus stops developing for one reason or another and the body doesn't recognize it as a non-viable pregnancy right away. You continue to carry the pregnancy until your body eventually realizes the pregnancy is no longer viable and then have a miscarriage. When I first became pregnant I was just so excited and so SURE about this pregnancy that the thought of miscarriage was far from my mind. Basically the main things I knew about miscarriages were that 20 to 30 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and the chances of miscarriage after 12 weeks dramatically decrease.
With those statistics in mind, as I entered my 13th week having my awful first trimester symptoms abating and feeling more pregnant with my bump starting to show, miscarriage was but a distant thought. My mind was concerning it's self with making sure I was eating right and making plans for the future birth of my baby. I made my appointment with my midwife to have my 20 week ultrasound on May 5th, Cinco De Mayo. The main purpose of the 20 week ultrasound is to check the growth of the baby and make sure it has all it's little arms and legs and fingers and toes. That was really of no concern to me, I was SURE my little angel was perfect. I was most excited to find out if I was having a boy or girl!
By week 19, a concern that I WAS having was that I hadn't felt any movement as of yet. I of course read everything I could online to determine when I should be feeling anything and what was normal. Most women start feeling the baby kick from week 18 to 22. Although I REALLY wanted to feel my little one inside of me, I convinced myself that I was still in the normal zone and that one day soon I would be feeling those kicks.
Cinco De Mayo arrived on a Tuesday, and I couldn't wait for my appointment with Alisha, my midwife! I hadn't been in to see Alisha since week 11, so we were happy to see each other again and she remarked how beautifully pregnant I was looking. We chatted for a bit about my experiences so far and any concerns I might have. Overall, I just felt great and really had no real concerns. She got me up on the exam table to listen to the heartbeat of my little one. I didn't think much of this as I knew my baby had a healthy, strong heartbeat at 11 weeks, so why should it be different? I just wanted to get to the ultrasound and SEE my little one! She got the doppler out and began moving it around my abdomen. Just a lot of fuzzy static at first. Then there was a heartbeat rhythm, however it was just the sound of MY blood flow. She moved the doppler from my left side to right side and up and down, and nothing. She said my placenta must be in the front and it was making it hard to find the heartbeat. She said it was probably nothing to worry about, but she'd like to keep trying if I didn't mind. She switched from my left side to my right side to see if that would help. It seemed like hours were going by with her trying to find a heartbeat. Just sounds of static and my maternal blood flow. The look on her face was growing more and more concerning. Finally, she said that this isn't normal to not hear the heartbeat at week 20. She wanted me to have the ultrasound immediately. She went to call the ultrasound lab and get me in ASAP. The tears were starting to well up in my eyes. The idea that something could be wrong with my pregnancy just seemed so, well, WRONG. I sat on the couch and waited for her to make the appointment for me. When I heard Alisha say, "I need to schedule an appointment for an anatomical and viability ultrasound.", the word "viability" turned those welling up tears into full blown crying. Everything was falling apart suddenly. Alisha made the appointment for a few hours from then. I didn't know what to do with myself in those hours. She asked if there was someone who could go with me to the lab. My sister was the only one I wanted to go with, but she was at work. Alisha was like, "I'm sure she can take a few hours off to take you." It seemed unnecessary for me to take Erika out of work. I figured I could do this alone. Alisha gave me a big hug and told me they would call her when I had my ultrasound to discuss the results with her and we would talk more then. I left the office in a complete haze of tears and confusion. I just sat in my car for a while, crying and watching people pass by in the normal course of their day. Most of them seemed to be parents with babies and young children, naturally. Finally my mind cleared enough for me to make the drive home, and I just laid in my bed and sobbed for the hours I had to wait to go to the appointment.
I ended up going to the appointment alone. Some part of me just KNEW everything was fine and I didn't want to upset Erika for no reason. Alisha had warned me that the ultrasound techs wouldn't tell me anything about what they were seeing, and that they would relay the results to her and she would be the one telling me the findings. As I laid down on the exam table and the tech was putting jelly on the ultrasound probe I started crying uncontrollably. The image of my uterus came up on the screen. I had been so nervous about seeing my baby for the first time. I mean, it was the second ultrasound, but the first time that it really looked like a baby. I wanted to see a baby moving it's perfectly formed arms and legs. I wanted to NOT actually see the sex of the baby so that the tech could write down what they saw and I could read it later with my family. I wanted to cry and smile out of pure joy. That's not how it went. As the image came up, I could see the shape of a baby. I could make out it's little head, and two arms and two legs. Only, there was no movement. Just a perfectly formed fetus in a fetal position. I just laid there, staring at my still baby, silently sobbing to myself. The tech wasn't saying anything. She then put the heartbeat monitor on the screen. Just a flatline. That was the part that broke me. I KNEW then that it was all over. The tech then said, "I just need to get a few more measurements." The ultrasound went on for what seemed like an eternity. I could see her entering the measurements that put my baby's growth at around 16 weeks. Finally she stopped and said, "I think you know the answer, but I have to show these images to the doctor for a second opinion." I just nodded and she left the room. It took all my control to not just completely break down sobbing. The tech came back into the room with a doctor and they both looked at the images, quietly. The doctor just nodded and left the room. The tech then called Alisha and told her the results so she could pass them on to me. It was a very awkward situation to be sure. Alisha confirmed what I already knew and told me to call her as soon as I was in my car so we could talk in more detail in a more private environment. The tech then showed me the back way out of the building so I didn't have to walk past all the patients in the waiting room. That was the most human and caring thing she had done since I got there and it meant a lot to me. I got to my car and I just wanted to get out of that parking lot. I figured I would find a quiet side street somewhere to call Alisha back. Driving had never been so difficult. I could barely see through my blinding tears, and keeping my focus on the road was nearly impossible. It was then that I realized why Alisha had been so adamant about me not going alone. She knew this would happen. I made it to a shaded, quiet street and stopped to call Alisha. She was so empathetic and supportive it helped calm me down a little. She explained that I had three options. Natural, Medical and Surgical. Natural is just waiting for the body to miscarry on it's own. Medical is taking a prescription to induce the miscarriage. Surgical is having a D&C (dilation and curettage), where a doctor removes the pregnancy under sedation. At first, I just wanted it to be over and told Alisha that I just couldn't bare to wait and I wanted the D&C. She said that was fine, but that I should just take a day to let it all sink in and think about what I wanted to do. I agreed. I didn't want to make a decision that I couldn't take back and would regret later. She explained that she too had a late term missed miscarriage, and she understood how terrible this is. I asked which option she chose, and she said she took the natural route. That seemed so much more heartbreaking to me, but her going through it also made it seem potentially possible too. I then made the impossible journey back home and got back in bed and just sobbed the afternoon away.
With those statistics in mind, as I entered my 13th week having my awful first trimester symptoms abating and feeling more pregnant with my bump starting to show, miscarriage was but a distant thought. My mind was concerning it's self with making sure I was eating right and making plans for the future birth of my baby. I made my appointment with my midwife to have my 20 week ultrasound on May 5th, Cinco De Mayo. The main purpose of the 20 week ultrasound is to check the growth of the baby and make sure it has all it's little arms and legs and fingers and toes. That was really of no concern to me, I was SURE my little angel was perfect. I was most excited to find out if I was having a boy or girl!
By week 19, a concern that I WAS having was that I hadn't felt any movement as of yet. I of course read everything I could online to determine when I should be feeling anything and what was normal. Most women start feeling the baby kick from week 18 to 22. Although I REALLY wanted to feel my little one inside of me, I convinced myself that I was still in the normal zone and that one day soon I would be feeling those kicks.
Cinco De Mayo arrived on a Tuesday, and I couldn't wait for my appointment with Alisha, my midwife! I hadn't been in to see Alisha since week 11, so we were happy to see each other again and she remarked how beautifully pregnant I was looking. We chatted for a bit about my experiences so far and any concerns I might have. Overall, I just felt great and really had no real concerns. She got me up on the exam table to listen to the heartbeat of my little one. I didn't think much of this as I knew my baby had a healthy, strong heartbeat at 11 weeks, so why should it be different? I just wanted to get to the ultrasound and SEE my little one! She got the doppler out and began moving it around my abdomen. Just a lot of fuzzy static at first. Then there was a heartbeat rhythm, however it was just the sound of MY blood flow. She moved the doppler from my left side to right side and up and down, and nothing. She said my placenta must be in the front and it was making it hard to find the heartbeat. She said it was probably nothing to worry about, but she'd like to keep trying if I didn't mind. She switched from my left side to my right side to see if that would help. It seemed like hours were going by with her trying to find a heartbeat. Just sounds of static and my maternal blood flow. The look on her face was growing more and more concerning. Finally, she said that this isn't normal to not hear the heartbeat at week 20. She wanted me to have the ultrasound immediately. She went to call the ultrasound lab and get me in ASAP. The tears were starting to well up in my eyes. The idea that something could be wrong with my pregnancy just seemed so, well, WRONG. I sat on the couch and waited for her to make the appointment for me. When I heard Alisha say, "I need to schedule an appointment for an anatomical and viability ultrasound.", the word "viability" turned those welling up tears into full blown crying. Everything was falling apart suddenly. Alisha made the appointment for a few hours from then. I didn't know what to do with myself in those hours. She asked if there was someone who could go with me to the lab. My sister was the only one I wanted to go with, but she was at work. Alisha was like, "I'm sure she can take a few hours off to take you." It seemed unnecessary for me to take Erika out of work. I figured I could do this alone. Alisha gave me a big hug and told me they would call her when I had my ultrasound to discuss the results with her and we would talk more then. I left the office in a complete haze of tears and confusion. I just sat in my car for a while, crying and watching people pass by in the normal course of their day. Most of them seemed to be parents with babies and young children, naturally. Finally my mind cleared enough for me to make the drive home, and I just laid in my bed and sobbed for the hours I had to wait to go to the appointment.
I ended up going to the appointment alone. Some part of me just KNEW everything was fine and I didn't want to upset Erika for no reason. Alisha had warned me that the ultrasound techs wouldn't tell me anything about what they were seeing, and that they would relay the results to her and she would be the one telling me the findings. As I laid down on the exam table and the tech was putting jelly on the ultrasound probe I started crying uncontrollably. The image of my uterus came up on the screen. I had been so nervous about seeing my baby for the first time. I mean, it was the second ultrasound, but the first time that it really looked like a baby. I wanted to see a baby moving it's perfectly formed arms and legs. I wanted to NOT actually see the sex of the baby so that the tech could write down what they saw and I could read it later with my family. I wanted to cry and smile out of pure joy. That's not how it went. As the image came up, I could see the shape of a baby. I could make out it's little head, and two arms and two legs. Only, there was no movement. Just a perfectly formed fetus in a fetal position. I just laid there, staring at my still baby, silently sobbing to myself. The tech wasn't saying anything. She then put the heartbeat monitor on the screen. Just a flatline. That was the part that broke me. I KNEW then that it was all over. The tech then said, "I just need to get a few more measurements." The ultrasound went on for what seemed like an eternity. I could see her entering the measurements that put my baby's growth at around 16 weeks. Finally she stopped and said, "I think you know the answer, but I have to show these images to the doctor for a second opinion." I just nodded and she left the room. It took all my control to not just completely break down sobbing. The tech came back into the room with a doctor and they both looked at the images, quietly. The doctor just nodded and left the room. The tech then called Alisha and told her the results so she could pass them on to me. It was a very awkward situation to be sure. Alisha confirmed what I already knew and told me to call her as soon as I was in my car so we could talk in more detail in a more private environment. The tech then showed me the back way out of the building so I didn't have to walk past all the patients in the waiting room. That was the most human and caring thing she had done since I got there and it meant a lot to me. I got to my car and I just wanted to get out of that parking lot. I figured I would find a quiet side street somewhere to call Alisha back. Driving had never been so difficult. I could barely see through my blinding tears, and keeping my focus on the road was nearly impossible. It was then that I realized why Alisha had been so adamant about me not going alone. She knew this would happen. I made it to a shaded, quiet street and stopped to call Alisha. She was so empathetic and supportive it helped calm me down a little. She explained that I had three options. Natural, Medical and Surgical. Natural is just waiting for the body to miscarry on it's own. Medical is taking a prescription to induce the miscarriage. Surgical is having a D&C (dilation and curettage), where a doctor removes the pregnancy under sedation. At first, I just wanted it to be over and told Alisha that I just couldn't bare to wait and I wanted the D&C. She said that was fine, but that I should just take a day to let it all sink in and think about what I wanted to do. I agreed. I didn't want to make a decision that I couldn't take back and would regret later. She explained that she too had a late term missed miscarriage, and she understood how terrible this is. I asked which option she chose, and she said she took the natural route. That seemed so much more heartbreaking to me, but her going through it also made it seem potentially possible too. I then made the impossible journey back home and got back in bed and just sobbed the afternoon away.
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