When I was 16 years old, I fell in love. Kevin and I were going to be together forever. Though I didn't see myself getting married or having children at that age, I could look far into the future, and all I saw was Kevin. It was perfect. Then he slept with my best friend. I lost not only my best friend and love of my life in that experience, but my dating innocence. Never since Kevin have I been able to completely lose myself in a relationship. Never since Kevin have I let myself completely love another person. When I date people now, I look into the future and see myself alone. I don't mean to come off as totally jaded, and nor do I FEEL totally jaded. I just know I'll never love the way I did the first time, with complete abandon.
Having this miscarriage at age 34 has made me feel like that innocent 16 year old all over again. Only instead of losing the feeling of becoming lost in love, I can no longer be pregnant with total abandon. Pregnancy doesn't mean a beautiful, perfect baby anymore. When I look into the future, I don't see my baby or toddler or teenager. I just see myself. Alone.
My mom says that when I become pregnant again (because of course I will...) that I will be more grateful and appreciative of each phase of pregnancy. That I will be a better mother because of my lost pregnancy. A stronger person. Perhaps that's all true. Right now though, I don't feel strong. As much as a long to be pregnant still, I don't want to be pregnant again. I just miss my baby.
Having this miscarriage at age 34 has made me feel like that innocent 16 year old all over again. Only instead of losing the feeling of becoming lost in love, I can no longer be pregnant with total abandon. Pregnancy doesn't mean a beautiful, perfect baby anymore. When I look into the future, I don't see my baby or toddler or teenager. I just see myself. Alone.
My mom says that when I become pregnant again (because of course I will...) that I will be more grateful and appreciative of each phase of pregnancy. That I will be a better mother because of my lost pregnancy. A stronger person. Perhaps that's all true. Right now though, I don't feel strong. As much as a long to be pregnant still, I don't want to be pregnant again. I just miss my baby.
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