Things Are Looking Up Buttercup

Almost three weeks now have gone by since my miscarriage.  I'm feeling much more grounded and much less like an emotional wreck.  I believe my hormones are normalizing and my crying randomly has lessened to once a day or less.  While I still don't feel up to engaging with babies and small children, I can at least see them with their happy mothers without breaking into tears.  There are still triggers to my sadness however.  When I'm around a friend or co-worker that is expecting a child or has recently given birth to a healthy newborn baby, my composure is lost.  I can't bring myself to ask about the pregnancy or baby.  I don't want to see pictures of the newborn or hear stories about the birth.  My mind will start to wander and it takes all my energy to not have an emotional breakdown.   This really bums me out.   I don't want to react in this negative and sad way to such a joyous and wonderful event in my friends' lives, but the emotions come on strong and it's hard to control.  I'm happy for how far I've healed in just a couple of weeks, but I'm looking forward to feeling as strong as I did pre-pregnancy.

I was thinking the other day how different the feeling of loss is when it's from your own body as compared to something outside yourself.  When I was grieving the loss of a friend, the triggers to my sadness were things that were more separate from my being, like hearing a certain song on the radio or walking by a certain restaurant.  My grief from losing my baby has effected me on a more intimate level.  I'm finding it hard to eat foods that I enjoyed during my pregnancy, or take any vitamins or supplements.  I had been taking a soothing, hot bath after work every other day, and now I haven't had a bath since the night of my baby's birth.  Generally speaking, I just seem to have lost any interest in really taking care of myself now that it's just me again.  I know I'm not depressed, just grieving still.

I'll end this blog on a more positive note than the last one, and say, life is beautiful and amazing and I can't wait to get back into it:)